My Love/Hate Relationship with ClassPass: The Never-Ending Cycle of Burpees, Brunch, and Bailing

Some people have their guilty pleasures—midnight snacks, reality TV, doom scrolling until their eyes blur. Mine? It’s ClassPass. We’ve been locked in a decade-long saga of canceling, crawling back, and questioning every life choice that brought us here. I first signed up back when ClassPass was the hottest new thing in town, promising unlimited access to all the boutique fitness classes my millennial heart could handle. It was love at first squat. But like any long-term relationship, it’s gotten...complicated.

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I can’t count how many times I’ve canceled, vowing never to return. “I’m done with the burpees and the battle ropes,” I’d say, feeling liberated for all of five minutes. But then, like clockwork, I’d find myself crawling back. It’s not that I’ve suddenly developed a burning desire for barre or that I’ve been dreaming about reformer Pilates—it’s that faint glimmer of hope that this time will be different. This time, I’ll find the perfect class, at the perfect time, with the perfect playlist, and it’ll all be worth it. Spoiler alert: it rarely is.

Welcome to Fitness Menu Fatigue, Population: Everyone

The real problem isn’t the workouts themselves. It’s the choice overload, the menu of options so vast that it’s paralyzing. It’s like scrolling through Netflix, except instead of movies, it’s back-to-back cycling, boxing, aerial yoga, and something that involves a mini trampoline that no one can quite explain. Every time I open the app, it’s like staring into the abyss of boutique fitness: Should I sweat it out in a hot yoga class, spin my brains out to ‘90s throwbacks, or try the latest fad that involves circus ropes? Who knew exercise could give you a quarter-life crisis?

And don’t get me started on the food. At some point, ClassPass decided it wasn’t enough to overwhelm us with workout choices—they had to throw in meal options, too. Now, I can redeem my precious points not just for a sound bath or a bungee workout but for a smoothie bowl with activated charcoal (whatever that is). I came here to sweat, not to make a culinary decision worthy of a Michelin guide.

Swipe Right on Everything, Commit to Nothing

Every time I open the app, I’m hit with the overwhelming reality of too many choices. I scroll through class after class, my enthusiasm waning with every tap. By the time I’ve narrowed it down to a few options, I’ve lost the will to work out entirely. It’s like trying to pick a restaurant with friends—endless scrolling, indecisiveness, and the inevitable decision to just stay home and order pizza.

ClassPass makes it feel like anything is possible, and yet the sheer amount of access can be paralyzing. Who needs that many options? What happened to the days when we just went for a jog or did a sad little YouTube workout in the living room? Now, there’s a class for everything—and I mean everything. If you want to do Pilates on a paddleboard in a neon-lit room, there’s a class for that. Want to flail around to Beyoncé while strapped into a bungee harness? You’re covered. But sometimes, all that freedom just feels like being stranded in the fitness version of Ikea, overwhelmed and slightly dizzy.

Breaking Up is Easy, Staying Away is Hard

And so, the cycle continues. I’ll get overwhelmed, swear off the app, cancel my subscription, and think I’m finally free. But then, a new trendy studio will open, promising infrared saunas and CBD-infused recovery smoothies, and just like that, I’m back on board. It’s like that toxic friend you keep around because you secretly love the drama—or maybe just the occasional perks.

So, here I am, stuck in a never-ending loop of burpees, overpriced juice, and existential dread. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to make it work. Until then, I’ll be here, endlessly scrolling, perpetually late to book the good classes, and silently cursing the fact that goat yoga is still a thing.

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